Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
