I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
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