I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
