i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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