in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
