I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize