i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
