I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
