The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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