No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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