I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My dick has a subreddit
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
