He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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