that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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