Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
