Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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