direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
