I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
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