so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
