I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
