Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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