I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
