I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
