Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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