I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
