just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
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