I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
