dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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