seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Rumble strips road head = magical
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
