end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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