my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
