His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
