I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
