so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize