You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
