I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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