I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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