I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
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