I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
