So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
