My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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