Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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