He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
