Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
