that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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