I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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