I wish I could teleport
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
