Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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