Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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