So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
