dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
