wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
