Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
