new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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