I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
