you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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