im drinking this country out of the recession.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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