I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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