it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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