im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
