Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
As shirtless as possible
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
