I think I won the penis lottery.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
i drank out of a bidet.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
