Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize