its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
