I wish I only lived at night.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Randomize
