Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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