Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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