I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
