Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I still have a little drunk in my system
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Panties = found
Randomize
