I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
bring money and cleavage
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
