Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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