What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
