My friends, they love my intelligence
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
