just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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