i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Randomize
