i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
